If I’m not good at it, I just need to do more

Once a month, I try to measure my cycling performance. Since cycling ability is determined by how hard you can push the pedals over a given period of time, it’s important to push yourself to the limit during the test. Today, I measured my cycling performance together with the people I work out with at O-Class.

But my cycling performance actually turned out to have regressed. My original FTP was around 277 watts, but this time it measured at 260 watts. That’s a return to my level from 2 months ago. Right from the start, my heart rate climbed a lot and my legs felt heavy, so I thought something was wrong—and sure enough, the result wasn’t good.

Various thoughts crossed my mind. Did I ride too easily over the past month? Normally I include 1-2 intense sessions per week, but this month I did focus more on long-distance riding. Did I not push hard enough on Monday when I felt like I was dying? … thoughts like these.

While I was feeling frustrated and disappointed, my coach offered words of encouragement instead. “You’re doing well right now. Are you only going to keep doing this if you do well? Are you going to quit if you don’t do well?” As soon as I heard that, the answer came out of my mouth immediately.

“If I’m not good at it, I just need to do more.”

After saying it, I instinctively realized that this phrase is one of the success formulas that runs through my entire life. From childhood until now, lack has always made me stronger. The reason I became good at math and science during my school years was that there was someone next to me who was far better than I was, and I hated that. The reason I worked hard at coding is similar. A friend I’d known since elementary school, as well as people I saw online, were all far better at coding than I was. That sense of lack seems to have raised my level of self-awareness and pushed me to work even harder.

Looking back, I also love sports movies and coming-of-age dramas. And the scenes that stick most vividly in my memory are the ones where someone isn’t good at something and tries even harder because of it. Like the scene in Sound! Euphonium where the protagonist Kumiko cries while working hard to make it to the national competition. Normally I’m not the type to tear up much while watching movies, but in front of scenes like that, my chest grows hot and tears well up.

Recently, at Toss, my programming skills have improved a lot, and I’ve worked through most of the common HR issues, so I’d started to feel a bit loose. Then, while exercising, I suddenly realized again that this trait had always been part of me.

Lack and failure are frightening, but in the end they make me a tougher person. You have to have the experience of not being good at something. And if you’re not good at it, you just do more. I’m writing this down so I don’t forget.